Returning To Work After Maternity Leave
I work remotely, so it was a matter of logging into my computer from the comfort of my home. My first day back to work was Monday July 18, 2022. Work thought my first day back was Thursday July 14, 2022. I was four days late. I had months to prepare to go back to work…and I was still late.
Two things happened immediately when I returned to work:
I started thinking about my career path. I knew I would rather be with my baby than working. Unfortunately that’s not an option, so I knew I wanted to look for something that feels more worthy of my time away from my baby. Plus I’d just completed my five year plan: Have a baby. All of my hard work in my career was driven by my desire to have a child. Now that he’s here, It’s kind of like “what’s next?”.
I looked at my bank account and then looked at the baby and then back at my back account and realized: we need more money. My baby is bougie, and while I wouldn’t say I’m particularly high maintenance, I eat for a family of 4. Okay, fine - I’m high maintenance.
Clearly, career development was an immediate priority.
End of Week 1
My new career plan is to be a stay-at-home mom.
That was exhausting and I hate this.
I’m struggling emotionally. I’ve cried almost everyday. I miss my son.
I’m his comfort zone, so it’s hard to know he’s struggling too. He wasn’t eating and sleeping normally which is just so hard. Not just emotionally but then in the evening he was too hungry to fall (and stay) asleep but he would try to eat and then fall asleep while eating because he was so tired. It broke my heart because I know he just needs to adjust but all I want to do is comfort him. I will say he seemed to get better as the week progressed.
It’s the 3rd major identity shift I’ve gone through in the last year: 20-Something Working in Corporate America —> Pregnant Lady Working in Corporate America —> New Mom —> Working Mom.
It’s just a lot.
A very kind friend checked in on me frequently.
End of Week 2
This week was easier.
Either my mom watched Poppy at my house or I went to her house to work where she was able to help out.
I’m so exhausted. I feel completely burned out. Not from work, but just from trying to adapt and adjust to this new life.
I miss snuggling with him on the couch while he sleeps.
The weekends are weird because it’s not really a break from work per se. I just dedicate my energy to other things.
One thing that helped was meal prepping. Trying to cook dinner every night during the first week, was tough. I basically had to find a way to cut out things from my schedule because I just don’t have time, so I meal-prepped on Sunday.
I was driving home from my parent’s house on Friday night. I was so exhausted I forgot how to turn on the headlights. I just kept turning the rear window’s wiper on and off.
Week 3
It’s day 12 and I finally feel okay.
I’m exhausted trying to keep up with it all. It’s the strangest feeling - my love continues to grow deeper and stronger for my son while at the same time, I’m reaching a breaking point with handling everything.
I’m not emotionally or financially ready for childcare yet so part of the exhaustion might be because 3 days a week I either take my son to my parents which is 45 minutes away or watch him while working.
I feel like I’m giving part of myself to my son and part of myself to work.
Things I’ve Had to Accept
Part of my heart and part of my mind will always be somewhere else.
After getting ready for work, it will feel like I’ve already had a full day.
I have to let myself grieve the end of maternity leave. The extended phase of one on one time I had with my son is over.
I will have to sacrifice work opportunities because it is no longer my priority.
Week 4
I am doing a lot better when it comes to balancing work and baby, asking for help when I need it, enjoying the evenings with my son. I still have a physical reaction to hearing my baby cry, so it’s hard when I can’t get to him because I’m in a meeting. I know my mom is trying to calm him down but I know that my presence would immediately soothe him. My chest tightens and I feel incredibly sad. It’s so hard. But my mom reminded me that the first day back to work, I could barely make it an hour without needing to check in on him, so things are definitely better.
Week 5
Wait. Am I feeling…comfortable with this?
Week 6
Nope.
Documenting this journey of going back to work has been helpful to realize how far we’ve come. On the hard weeks (like this one) it’s a reminder that sometimes I feel like we’ve got it figured out and we’re floating through. Other weeks I sleep through my alarm, feel like I’m stretching myself across too many responsibilities with none of them getting the attention they deserve, I’m running back in the house three times because I keep forgetting shit, I don’t update the software on my work phone so all my apps disappear, the dog drags his asshole across the rug so it has to be cleaned. I eat stale chips at 10am for breakfast, and it’s only Tuesday.
I had to take a mental health day from work.
Week 7
We’ve fallen into a routine. We would prefer a different routine - specifically snuggling on the couch together - but we have a routine nevertheless. I’ve accepted that some days are better than other days. Some days it’s 10am and I’m not sure where I’m going to get the energy to get through the rest of the day. However, I’m having more days where I’m looking forward to work projects again.
Week 8
I thought returning to work would be a steady incline - each week would be easier than the last, but that’s not the case. Some weeks are tougher than others. Sometimes my mental health isn’t in the best place which makes everything harder. Weeks 1 and 6 were definitely the lowest points for me.